Debts Owed

Most days I wake up like around noon, but this time there’d been this seriously hard-up guy the night before who had a hole in his pocket like you wouldn’t believe. Money practically fallin off him and he acted like he couldn’t get enough, said I was the prettiest guy he’d ever had, but they always say stuff like that when they’re balls-deep in your ass, so I take it with a grain of salt. Anyway, he kept me in his apartment til like nine a.m., nothin kinky and he paid pretty well so I was fine with it, but I slept all the way to four p.m.

Then I wake up with Mojo leanin in my doorway goin “Man, wake the fuck up already and grab some pizza before Waxer eats it all. It’s dinner, hell you doin still in bed?”

I hear that and I remember that I really wanted to get to the library before it closes today, so I’m like, “Shit, man, what time is it?” Cuz I don’t know what time it closes, and there’s this book I’m dyin to read that oughta be there today.

And he gives me this WTF look, cuz he knows I don’t exactly have any pressin appointments yet, but he yells down the hall to ask anyway cuz he’s my bro. B.F. yells back that it’s like four and do we want some fuckin pizza or not, and I’m like, “Shit, man, no, I gotta go, I wanna get to the library before it closes.”

Mojo rolls his eyes and walks back down the hall and I hear him goin, “Waxer, can you drive Dozen to the library?” cuz see I don’t have a license and it’s all the way downtown, and I don’t do mass transport, cuz… well, shit happens every time I try it, so I just don’t do it. I’m pretty glad he’s askin Waxer, though, cuz Waxer’s an okay guy, and last time somebody drove me somewhere it was B.F. Now, sure, B.F.’s my bro and all, I mean he lives with us, he pays rent, he keeps the gang-types chill and off our backs, but… Look, you can say B.F. stands for Big Fucker, cuz not only is he six foot something but he’s got a sex drive like a Mac truck, but most of the time it’s short for B.F.D., and sure, those’re his initials, but they also stand for Big Fuckin Dick. Cuz he’s a fuckin bastard, and his dick matches his libido, and I just don’t wanna end up on the wrong end of em both again. The best way to do that is stay outta his way, so I do my best to do that.

Anyway, Waxer agrees, so pretty soon I’m his car and we’re headin off to the library, and I’m feelin pretty good, cuz it looks like I’m gonna get there in time and I’m finally gonna get to read that damn book I been waitin for since I found out there was a prequel to the series. Tolkien’s some good shit, man, and I didn’t even know about him until those movies came out. It’s not like any of us have the money to hit the theaters much, but Mojo’s got a friend at a video store who can get us stuff half-off sometimes once it’s out, and he got us our DVD player cheap too. Jasper’s a pretty cool dude.

Point is, anyway, I saw the movies and I figured the books might be kinda cool too, and the thing about books is you can read em over and over again without havin to pay anythin except a cheap-ass late fee if you keep em too long. I like books cuz I got a really good imagination, it’s almost as good as a movie for me when I get really into it, so my library card is like one of my prize possessions. Once I got the books out and managed to get past the kinda funky language, I realized this guy is really good, so I started looking around to see if he’s written anything else, and it turns out there’s more books than you hear about, but most of the rest of them are kinda dense, and then I found out he was dead, so so much for him havin written any more since then. But Ms. Hyre, the librarian, said he did this one book that’s sposed to come before the trilogy everyone knows about, and she told me I should check that one out. At first I wasn’t sure about it, cuz prequels can be pretty lame, but then Ms. Hyre told me a little more about it and I got interested, and wouldn’t you know it, the damn book was out.

The reason I was so excited to get there this day was that the due-date was the day before, so it was almost sure to be in, cuz I’d put in a reserve and everythin. So Waxer and me are drivin along through the seedier parts of town, where we live, and we’re listenin to something on the radio, I don’t even remember what, and I’m feelin good enough that I kinda start to get a groove on. I mean, I’m dancin a little bit, just movin in my seat, not pullin any special moves or anythin cuz you can’t in a car and I’m not tryin to be sexy or anythin besides, just happy.

Waxer looks over at me for a minute and he doesn’t look back at the road, and I suddenly realize he’s starin, so I look over to see what’s wrong. You can bet I stopped dancin pretty quick when I saw the look in his eyes, but it was kinda too late by then, he’d pulled the car over and parked it and locked the doors in like three seconds, and there was nothin left to do but take it. See, the thing that pisses me off so much is that I know better, I mean I fuckin know better than to do this stupid shit, but I guess I wasn’t awake enough yet to be thinkin or something.

So I’m pressed up against the door with my legs on either side of his chest all tangled up in my jeans, and he’s already inside me, and I can tell from the feel that he somehow got a condom on first, which is thoughtful and kinda impressive, too. It’s gotta be a lubed one, cuz it doesn’t hurt that much when he starts pushin in, and I’m kinda moanin cuz that’s whacha gotta do in these situations, and he’s whisperin this steady stream of stuff about how fuckin sexy I am and how he just wants to be buried in my ass for the rest of eternity. Etcetera, etcetera, the same kinda stuff they always say, just like I said. I been doin this crap long enough that the talk doesn’t really have an effect on me anymore, so I just kinda moaned softly and rubbed up against him and eventually he finished and got out. I hadn’t even gotten hard, but I leaned over quick to pull up my jeans so he wouldn’t notice I hadn’t come, and he was too busy tyin off the condom and tossin it out the window to see when I stole a kleenex to wipe off.

Maybe I should make it clear at this point: I may be a street walker, but I’m not a slut. If some guy on the street came up to me and tried to get into my pants without payin, I wouldn’t just drop trou and bend over, I’d fuckin kick him in the crotch and run. But these guys are my bro’s. I mean, the reason I’d run away from that stranger is that I’m not much of a fighter. I’m a skinny little bastard with enough muscle to look nice, but I can’t do much with it, just don’t have the instincts or something. Waxer and Mojo and them watch my back and keep me from gettin creamed, I mean they’ve saved my fuckin life a buncha times, and I figure anything I can do for them, I owe em.

That said, Mojo’s never even asked for it, much less taken it without askin, and most of the time they don’t cross that line from my brothers to my tricks – not that they pay, and I wouldn’t ask; like I said, I owe em. I just watch myself around the place, make sure to keep my clothes on and not sway like a girl when I walk, and most of the time everythin’s fine. B.F… well, that’s why I stay away from him now. I thought I was bein careful, that time, it just didn’t seem to make a difference. And he wasn’t gentle, like Waxer, he just slammed me down and fucked the shit out of me. He told me afterwards I was askin for it, but I still haven’t figured out how.

Anyway, Waxer’s kinda like B.F. cuz he’s got this hair-trigger sex drive some days. When it goes off he’ll fuck anythin that’ll let him, which is why it was really nice that he remembered the condom, cuz I don’t need any diseases in my life to screw me up worse, and I’m usually pretty careful around him. Not like fanatical, because he’s a nice guy and I don’t mind occasionally, but it’s my job, not my life, and I like him better as my bro, ya know?

But whatever: I forgot, and he was careful and used a condom, and I owe him cuz he’s my bro, so it’s not a big deal.

He starts up the car and we get moving again, I’m dressed again, not dancin anymore, but I’m not upset or anythin, I just shoulda remembered, ya know? So I’m a little annoyed with myself, but that’s it, and the music’s still pretty good, so everythin’s fine, really.

We reach the library, and I’m excited again, cuz my book’s there, I’m finally gonna get to read that bloody prequel and see if it’s really any good, and even if it isn’t it’ll give me somethin different to think about for a week or so while I reread it a few times. Finally I manage to track down Ms. Hyre way back in the stacks, reshelvin – see, they don’t have the personnel to have more than one librarian on duty at a time, it’s the tiniest dinky library ever cuz it’s like a block away from the major city library, but I use this one cuz Ms. Hyre’s really nice and so’s Mr. Fox, and all their fees are way lower than the other place.

At any rate, she was pretty happy to see me, she’s like “Mr. Dozen!” – she always calls me that, ain’ it a trip? “I haven’t seen you in here in weeks! I hope you’ve been well?” Yeah, she talks like a book, too, guess it’s a hazard of the profession, right? Mr. Fox talks the same way.

“Yeah, pretty good,” I tell her, “came in to get that book you told me about? The Hobbit, right?”

Her face breaks out in this shinin smile like turnin me on to more of Tolkien’s stuff is the happiest thing she’s ever done, and she’s such a damn cute little lady I just can’t help grinnin back. So she leads me back to the front desk and pulls this little paperback out from under it, and I handed her my library card even though she doesn’t really need it, cuz she knows it’s me and that I’ve got one, and she punched it in, stamped the book and handed it to me.

I was practically bouncin as I started to say goodbye, ready to walk out of there and start readin it all the way home, and then she tips her head to one side and gives me this interested look.

“Mr. Dozen,” she says, “I haven’t asked before now because I was not altogether certain our relationship was of the type to support such questions…” and I’m startin to get a little worried, cuz I can think of lots of questions she don’t even want the answer to, but then she grins at me. “…But I cannot believe that your parents would give you a name such as “Dozen.” I wondered if perhaps you could relieve the terrible curiosity that has beset me since I first heard you say it.”

Well, Christ, I was so relieved I almost laughed, and I was like, “Hey, that’s easy, Ms. H, came from the first time I met my pals. I was kinda gettin trashed,” I gave her a little half-grin and shrug, like, eh, whatever, “cuz these guys thought I had some money and was holdin out on em,” tricks who stiffed me, actually, but I wasn’t gonna tell her that, “and then Mojo and Waxer came along and chased em off, total strangers, ya know, they don’t know me at all, and Mojo asks me if I’m okay, and I’m layin there on the ground kinda out of it, ya know, and I’m like, ‘Uhh, six o’ one, half-dozen o’ the other.’ And they thought it was so funny they just called me that ever since.”

By this time her eyebrows are like all the way up in her hair-line, and she’s givin me this worried look, but I don’t really know what to say, cuz I mean it’s all true, right? And she did ask…

Ms. Hyre kinda collects herself again and goes, “And you preferred to adopt this name rather than keep your own?”

And I’m like, “Well, yeah, cuz ya know everybody’s got a street name, right? And I didn’t really have a good one, but that works, right? And ‘sides, my bro’s gave it to me, so it’s all good.”

She’s givin me a look I don’t really get, and then she’s like, “How long ago was this?” and I’m wonderin where she’s goin with that and if I should even tell her, but it’s Ms. Hyre, ya know? She’s a sweet lady, she’s probably not tryin to find out stuff about me so she can report me anywhere or anything like that… I mean, she’s a librarian, for Chrissake.

So I tell her, “I dunno, like four years?” Cuz I was thirteen or fourteen at the time, I think. Probably older than twelve, anyway.

She nods kinda thoughtfully, and then changes the subject, which I’m pretty grateful for, cuz it was gettin a little personal, and we said our goodbyes and stuff – she always tells me, “Be well, dear,” which is sorta sweet, I think, and then I walked out.

Waxer was waitin at the bottom of the steps, and I waved my book at him, grinnin all cheerful and everythin, so he shook his head and grinned back. We got into the car and started back, and then he said he wanted to stop for a coffee, and the closest coffeeshop’s in the mall, which is pretty much on our way. Pretty soon we got into the mall, and Waxer hit the coffeeshop up for one of those fancy things he likes, when he’s got the money, which isn’t that often, and then I stole a sip and realized I had to take a piss. So he shrugs and finishes the coffee and we head off to find the men’s.

I should mention, it’s not that I need an escort, really, it’s just public restrooms can be almost as bad as mass transport for me. I mean, you get some guy cornerin you in there and you’re just stuck, ya know? My bro’s make sure that won’t happen.

Anyway, so we’re in there, Waxer’s holdin my book, I finish my business and go to wash my hands at the sink – it’s a low-class mall with a low-class men’s room, no counter, just four sinks comin out from the wall – and fuck if he’s not suddenly behind me. I look up and I see his face in the mirror and I realize maybe I shoulda gotten him to stay outside this time, since he’s in one of those hot moods, cuz this is a public restroom and you can’t do that shit here without gettin in trouble. So I’m dryin my hands on my shirt and kinda laughin a little, and I’m like, “Hey, bro, let’s take it back to the car, huh?” cuz I’m so not the exhibitionist type.

Waxer reaches around me and turns off the water, and he’s hard as fuckin rocks nudgin up against my back, and I’m kinda thinkin, Shit, man, not now, just wait til we get back to the car at least, huh? I mean it’s not like it’s a big deal, it’s just I don’t like messin with cops and all, and I’m not into public places – I mean you gotta get used to it a certain amount in my job, but you don’t just do it right out in the open, that’s never a good idea. But I fuckin owe him, cuz he’s my bro, so I don’t say a thing when he bends me over the sink parallel to the mirror and takes my pants down again. Like I said before, Waxer’s not rough, so I figure it won’t be that bad, I’m just, not so happy about some stuff.

He actually takes a moment this time to put the condom on, which is good cuz it can rip if you do it really fast like he did before, and it sounds moist, so it’s lubed again, which is also good. On the other hand, I really wish he wasn’t doin this right now, cuz I’d rather be readin my book in the car, and I really hate public sex like this, cuz I hate gettin walked in on cuz it can get so bad. And it’s not like it’s a big deal, but it makes me kinda sick when stuff like this happens, which is stupid cuz it happens all the time, but it’s just like there should be a line somewhere, and I just don’t know about it so I never see where it gets crossed. And if I don’t see a line, then how the fuck’s anybody else sposed to?

Now, the bad thing about it when I start thinkin this way is, not only am I pissed off at myself, which is fine, but I get a little pissed off at my brothers, which ain’ so good. I mean, they don’t deserve it, they’re not doin anythin wrong by wantin what they want, and I do owe it to them, so I don’t really have any call to go whinin about it. But that’s not the real problem, cuz I can usually forget about bein mad at them pretty fast. The real problem is, no matter who I’m mad at, when I’m pissed off enough I got this stupid tendency to start tearin up a little, which the rest of the guys don’t do. Makes me look like a stupid little girl, a real crybaby – it’s gotten me in trouble ever since I was in like third grade.

So when Waxer pushes into me all careful and stuff, I’m so pissed off I’ve got tears in my eyes, which he fortunately can’t see cuz our faces are below the mirror. I can’t really do the moanin happy thing when he starts movin faster, cuz I don’t think it’d pass for happy and I don’t wanna start cryin on Waxer, cuz he’d think he hurt me or some shit like that, and it’s not his fault I’m a stupid fuckin crybaby.

I swear I didn’t even hear the stall door open, I just looked up and Jasper? Mojo’s friend from the video store? He’s standin there with this expression on his face. At first I just kinda froze, cuz I thought he was gonna kill us, that’s how he looked, and Waxer hadn’t even seen him yet, but then Jasper opens his mouth and goes, “Dude, that’s not bright.”

I guess he’s talkin about doin this in a public restroom, but Waxer looks up and he’s like “Uh? The fuck business is it’a yours?”

And Jasper actually takes a step forward and slams a fist into his other hand, and I realize from the look on his face that he’s pissed at Waxer, not at findin us fuckin in the men’s room, and I remember Mojo tellin me about how he used to practice his martial arts with Jasper, they met at those classes.

So I figure I better speak up pretty quick before one of em hurts the other one, so I’m like, “Hey, man, he’s my bro, it’s all cool, right?” Except my voice is still kinda broken from the way I was tryin not to cry – such a fuckin pansy-ass little girl…

Jasper doesn’t look too impressed, but he stops clenchin his fists like that and says to Waxer, “Are you trying to make him miserable? Because that’s what you’re doing, here.”

Weird; Waxer actually slows down, and I can feel the hesitation in how he’s movin, when he’s like, “Fuck no! He likes it! Don’t you, Dozen?”

He’s soundin kinda puzzled, and I can’t disappoint him, so I swallow and go, “Yeah I like it. Don’t stop, Waxer.” I still can’t manage the moan, but it sounds as sincere as I can make it, and I’m not a bad actor.

Waxer doesn’t speed up again, though. He’s lookin at Jasper, who’s keepin his gaze, real steady, and then Jasper says, really quiet, “He’s crying.”

And I’m like, well, fuck.

I mean, fuck, man. I’m doin my best, right? It’s not like it’s easy, cuz I’m not happy about this crap, but it’s minor shit, right? It’s nothin compared to how much I owe these people for takin me in and treatin me like one of them, lettin me share the place and feedin me until I could help with the rent and the groceries. They fuckin raised me from the dead, cuz without them I woulda been dead in another two weeks. I’d just landed on the street, didn’t know what I was doin, didn’t have a clue how to survive, and I’m such a fuckin pussy I was gettin fucked a lot more than I was gettin paid.

So I owe these people, and you can’t mess with a debt like that. They’re my brothers, and I do anythin I can for them, because they do the same for me.

“Fuck,” Waxer kinda mutters, and he pulls out real careful and I’m goin, shit, there’s one bro gone, totally down the drain and forget about it cuz I had to go and be a fuckin crybaby, great job Dozen my man, you’re really makin it today.

“Look, man,” Waxer says to Jasper, “you wanna talk to him?” The fuck’s Jasper gonna say to me that you can’t, my bro? That’s what I’m thinkin, but I don’t say it, cuz I figure he’d rather be nice and leave and let Jasper tell me what a fuckin pathetic piece of shit I am. And when I get back to where the car was, it’ll be gone. That’s what I’m thinkin. Mass transport tonight for you, Dozen my boy, unless you wanna try to bribe Jasper with somethin, and whatta you got that he’ll want?

“I’d like to, yeah,” Jasper goes, and I hear Waxer’s zipper goin up, slow and careful cuz he’s still hard, and then footsteps headin for the door and it swings and he’s out.

By this time I’ve pretty much managed to stop cryin. It’s a little late and all, but that’s no reason to keep bein a fuckin baby. I’m still pissed off at myself, but mostly I’m just feelin sick, cuz I don’t wanna lose my bro’s, and this is all my fuckin fault.

Jasper’s givin me this really still, quiet look, straight at me like he doesn’t notice or doesn’t care my pants are still around my knees – which isn’t normal for a straight guy, ya know? It’s kinda nice – and then he’s like, “You can pull your pants up if you want,” not like he really really wants me to, but just like a detail. “Probably make you feel better,” he says, and I’m like, well that’s a fuckin joke, cuz there’s not much gonna make me feel better right now, but I do it anyway, cuz you feel less vulnerable with all your clothes on right.

Jasper walks a little closer to me, til he’s leanin on the other side of the sink, and I’m leanin back against the wall beside it with my arms crossed, kinda hunched, glarin at him. He doesn’t seem to care. He goes, “If you didn’t like it, why didn’t you tell him to stop?”

And I roll my eyes, cuz what’re you gonna do with a stupid question like that? But I explained it to him, because I like Jasper even if he’s bein a total jerk and screwin up my life, and he kinda sighed and shook his head.

“So if they’re your brothers,” he says, “don’t you think they might give a shit about you?”

And I’m goin, dude, just don’t go there, okay? But I’m like, “Well, yeah, I mean, they take care o’ me and stuff. Course they give a shit.”

Jasper’s like, “So don’t you think they might kinda be upset if they found out they’d been raping you all this time?”

Like I said, usually I’m not that much of a fighter, but I was ready to try to take him down all by myself after that little crack, Jet Li stuff or not. I pushed off the wall and yelled in his face, “They don’t fuckin do that, they’re my brothers and they’re good to me, you fuckin take that back you fuckin prick!”

Jasper held up his hands, not like he was scared of me or anything – I’m like half a foot shorter than him, and he’s more built anyway, so no shock there – but like he wanted me to calm down and listen to him, and he was like, “Chill, Dozen.” I didn’t really feel like chillin by that time, not if he was gonna be insultin my bro’s, but he’s a really smart guy and I figured, I could at least hear what he had to say, right?

So I’m like, “Fine, but don’t you fuckin say a word about them,” and I settle back against the wall again.

“I didn’t mean they were hurting you,” Jasper says, and I get puzzled, cuz what the hell was he talkin about then? And he’s like, “Rape is when someone fucks you when you didn’t want them to.”

Arright, so I gotta admit I kinda thought of B.F. at that point, cuz I definitely hadn’t been happy about that time, but it still didn’t count cuz I didn’t really tell him to stop, just to slow down maybe, which of course he didn’t do cuz it’s B.F. By this time I’m gettin a little confused, and I go, “No, rape is when someone you don’t like or even know shoves you into a wall and slams his dick up your ass without a condom, and then leaves without even payin.” Cuz if he pays you, you’re still not feelin too good, maybe, but at least you’ve got the money to eat with, ya know?

Then I notice Jasper’s shakin his head no and I get really confused, because I know he’s usually right when he’s talkin, he’s a smart guy like I said before and he’s like ten years older than me, but what the fuck is up with this? Jasper kinda sighs and runs his hand through his hair like he’s gettin a little agitated, and then he holds out one hand and he goes, really quiet, “So why were you crying?”

I can’t believe he’s fuckin bringin that up again, and I’m glarin off to one side of him and I go, “I was bein fuckin stupid, okay? I do that, it’s not Waxer’s fault.”

Jasper’s voice is a little edgey, like he’s gettin annoyed when he says, “Fine. What was the stupid reason you were crying, Dozen?”

I didn’t really know how to get out of it at that point, cuz I like Jasper and I didn’t want him to stop bein cool with me, so I just kinda shrugged and started to explain about how I cry when I’m pissed, and how I was a little pissed even though it was stupid, but Jasper cut me off.

“You told him you wanted to take it out to the car,” he says, and I’m like, fuck, man, was he in here the entire time? “He didn’t listen,” Jasper says, “which is why I wanted to kill him,” and then I got a little worried, so I was like, “But you’re not gonna touch him, right?”

“I’m not gonna touch him,” Jasper tells me, “but why did you want to take it out to the car?”

And I roll my eyes, cuz it’s pretty obvious, and I’m like, “Cuz it’s not safe in here, dude. You can get arrested for shit like that, and I’m not into handcuffs.”

“You’re right,” says Jasper, just like that, and I kinda blinked at him, cuz I’m not used to hearin people say that. He keeps goin, sayin, “Thing is, you’re smarter than Waxer’s dick,” and I kinda sniggered, cuz we all know what Waxer thinks with half the time, and Jasper gave me this little smile and nodded. “You both could’ve been arrested just now, if I’d been a cop,” he says quietly, and I rolled my eyes at him and went, “Well, yeah, good thing you’re not a cop, ain’ it?”

He kinda laughed and shook his head, and he was like, “Yes, but if you’d been arrested, it would’ve been because you were letting him let his dick do the thinking.”

That just caught me cold, totally off-guard, and I was starin at him with my mouth open, cuz he was right about that, when the door opened and like five guys walked in and moved over to the urinals or into the stalls, and Waxer leaned in, saw us talkin, nodded at me and ducked out again. So my bro was still checkin up on me, makin sure I was fine with Jasper and these other guys around, which meant he wasn’t mad about waitin or this other shit. My stomach kinda loosened up a little, seein that, and I stopped feelin so sick.

Anyway, I wasn’t really sure what to do now, cuz it wasn’t like me ‘n Jasper could keep talking with all the other guys around, but he just kinda lounged against the wall across the sink from me, holdin my gaze until I got uncomfortable and looked away. The five guys finished up pretty quick, washed their hands at the other sinks and left, one by one, lookin a little disturbed and not really lookin at us cuz they probably figured some weird shit was goin down.

I looked back at Jasper, a little cautious, waitin for the next sledgehammer, and he shrugs one shoulder at me and goes, real simply, “You owe it to Waxer to keep his dick from getting either of you arrested. If you have to tell him no, cut it the fuck out, to get his attention in the first place, you have to do it.”

Totally fuckin new angle for me, right? I mean, I hadn’t thought about it that way at all, but it made a lot more sense than just keepin my mouth shut, cuz how guilty would I be then if some fuckin cop marched off with my bro in cuffs cuz I let him fuck me in here? Shit, that would suck. And Christ, Mojo ‘n B.F ‘n Greyson and everybody’d kill me.

Then, while I’m still thinkin about that, Jasper goes on like, “You said your bro’s treat you all right?”

And I’m like, “Fuck yeah. They’re good to me.”

Jasper tilts his head sideways a little, lookin at me, and goes, “What do you think they’d think of anyone who treated you like shit?”

Well, I’m not too sure of where he’s goin with this, but I’m suspicious, so I narrow my eyes at him and go, “They’d wax the fuckin floors with em, unless it was for my job or somethin, but I already said none of them treat me like that.”

Jasper puts his hands on the sink, then, leans forward over it so his face is close to mine, lookin at me with exactly the same expression, but his voice is quiet and really intense, and he goes, “You treat yourself like shit, not letting them know when you’re not happy. How do you think they’d feel if they found out you’d been letting them fuck you when you didn’t want it?”

It’s such a weird thing to think about that I gotta take a moment. It prolly wouldn’t make em that happy, I mean that’s obvious, but I don’t really know what they’d be more upset about; me lyin to them, me not bein happy, or me not wantin em. Besides, that’s why I haven’t told them, and I’m not plannin to let them find out. And I don’t really know which to say, so I’m like, “It’s not that I don’t want… I mean… it’s okay, you know?”

Jasper’s eyes were freakin me out a little by this time, cuz it was like he was glarin at me, he was starin so hard with this dark expression, but he wasn’t angry or tryin to be mean, just make me understand what he was sayin. His voice was still really soft, and he goes, “Dozen. Listen to me. Nobody wants it all the time. Even you. And you’ve got to stop lying about it, because eventually you’re going to slip up and they’re going to find out and then they’re going to feel really shitty, cuz they’ve been treating their little brother like that all this time.”

By this time I was feelin pretty stunned, I mean I thought I probably should believe him, cuz it sounded true, and I was tryin to figure out where to go from there, and he musta seen the expression on my face cuz he says, “All you have to do is start saying, Hey, not right now, okay? when you’re not in the mood. You don’t have to say it all the time, you can have sex with them if you want it, but if there’s something about it that bothers you, tell them. If they care about you half as much as they should, they’ll listen, and they’ll do something about it. All right?”

I’m so confused by this time I can’t figure what to say, so it comes out pretty plaintive when I’m like, “But I owe them!”

Jasper’s eyes slit and he is pissed off now, and he’s pissed off at me. Guess I’ve strained his patience or somethin, cuz he just goes off at me like, “What do you owe them? Being a good brother, or a fucktoy?”

Well, Christ, it’s not like it’s the first time someone’s ever called me that, I mean it is my job and all, but not with my bro’s. They don’t call me shit like that, they treat me like I’m one of them, maybe a little brother who don’t know that much, but still good. Yeah, they… they’re good to me…

I didn’t get it til right then, when it hit me what Jasper was tryin to say. Mojo and everybody, they take care of me like I was their little brother, but… you don’t fuck your little brother unless he asks for it. (I mean, nobody fucks his blood brother, that’s just perverted, I mean brother by choice, like us all.)

They never tried to treat me like a fucktoy, I just… assumed it was my job and started tryin to do it to pay them back for everythin they gave me. And they figured that’s the way I was, and started fuckin their little brother cuz he asked for it so nice.

Once I figured that out, I just felt like kickin myself in the head with steel-toed boots a couple’a times, cuz Jesus! How stupid can a guy be to get himself into a situation like that, huh?

So I’m like, kinda slow cuz I feel so stupid, “So, you don’t think it’d be a shitty thing to do if I wouldn’t let them do that, now and then?”

Jasper rolls his eyes and gives me this look, and then he goes, totally out of the blue, “Dozen, how old are you?”

And I’m like, “Almost twenny,” cuz that’s my standard answer, see. Well, dependin on how old the guy is, anyway. Cuz with the old guys, that’s still young enough to be a kid, but more than legal, and with the younger guys, if they don’t like me that old I can change it, say I’m scared to tell most folks how young I am. Hey, it works, okay?

Jasper’s a little smarter or somethin. He lifts one eyebrow like he knows how old I am down to like weeks, he was just askin to see if I was smart enough to tell him.

“Dozen, how old are you?” he says again, like he’s pretendin to be nice and not even notice somethin stupid I said.

Well I’m gettin annoyed by this time, cuz what the fuck business is my age of his? So I’m like, “Fuck off, Jasper.”

And he gives this deep sigh, and he’s like, “Look, I’m pretty sure you’re under twenty, all right? And I know you’re older than sixteen, you don’t look anything near young enough.”

Obviously I have no idea why he wants to know, and it’s makin me a little nervous, but fuck it Jasper’s a friend and he’s a good guy, and I kinda trust him, especially since he’s been givin me some pretty smart advice. I mean, not everybody would even care to start tryin to explain all the stuff he’s been slammin through my thick skull.

So finally I mumble, “’Bout seventeen,” and he gets this funny expression, rubbin a hand over his face before he chuckles a little bit and goes, “Wouldn’t you just know it. Not even legal yet, and if I told Mojo he’d probably kill Waxer himself. Fine, that explains a lot. You’re young enough to get confused a lot, don’t worry about it.”

I’m scowlin over that one, but he’s still talkin and I can’t really argue about not really knowin what I’m doin a lot of the time still, so I keep my mouth shut just yet.

He keeps goin. “Dozen, if you want to be honest with your bro’s, you need to let them find someone else to fuck when they need it, not you.” One hand goes up, and he’s like, “Unless you really want it, instead of just not minding. If you do it any time they want, just because you don’t mind, you’re going to forget that it’s not your job and start thinking you owe it to them again, because you’ve agreed for so long. And then you’re back to where you were. It’s not right, the way it is.” For a moment he’s just lookin at me while I’m tryin to figure out how all that makes sense, frownin and shiftin my weight a little, and then he says, casual, “Do you pay your share of the rent?”

It’s not like I earn that much, sometimes, but I always pay what I can, so I tip my head back and forth and shrug.

Jasper rolls his eyes a little. “Do you eat more groceries than Greyson?”

Hah! Greyson earns less than I do sometimes, cuz he keeps gettin fired from every job that’ll have him, and he eats a hell of a lot more, so I roll my eyes back at Jasper and give him a look.

He grins at me and tilts his head, givin me that straight look again as his face goes quieter, and he’s like, “Do you watch your brothers’ backs?”

“Fuck yeah!” I go. What’s he take me for, anyway?

“That’s what you owe them,” he says really quiet and calm. “Nothing else but to be their little brother.”

It sinks in pretty slow, but eventually it gets into my head and it starts hookin into everythin else he’s said, and it all makes good sense. I’m feelin like a regular moron, but I probably wouldn’t’a figured it out by myself at all, so after a couple minutes of silence, I’m like, kinda low and embarrassed, “Thanks, Jasper.”

He just smiles at me crooked and slow, slaps a friendly hand on my shoulder, and we walk out of the men’s room just as some other guy comes in with a toddler and an armful of shopping bags, mutterin things about his wife.

Waxer was still waitin for us when we got out, and he straightened up from leanin against the wall when he saw me, frownin a little. He stepped out to meet us and I noticed right away the way he was movin, a little awkward and stiff, and I knew why and I felt like a stupid little shit, cuz when Waxer’s havin one of these days and he gets a hard-on, it doesn’t go away til someone deals with it. If Jasper and me hadn’t been in the men’s room, he coulda done it himself, but maybe he figured it woulda been awkward.

Definitely lookin worried to me, though he’d probably look pissed to anyone who didn’t know him, Waxer looks from Jasper to me, studyin, and then he’s like, “Everythin okay, Dozen?” Really soundin worried, not just pissed off at havin to wait so long all hard up like that.

I felt so bad I just nodded quick, thinkin maybe if we got back to the car I could just blow him so he’d feel better, no big deal, right? Except that Jasper had said to stop doin that stuff, so I was still chewin on it tryin to figure out what to do, and then Jasper broke in. He didn’t quite sound angry, but I still looked at him, cuz he definitely sounded a little less friendly than usual, and he was like, “Listen to him when he tells you no, Waxer.”

Well, I was gonna protest about that, cuz like I say, Waxer’s really not a bad guy and it’s not like he’s ever done like B.F did, but Waxer got there first. He was glarin at Jasper like he wanted to make him a hole in the wall, but he looked around instead and then kinda hissed at Jasper, “I fuckin never woulda ignored him if he’d said no! He never fuckin says no, Dozen always likes it, otherwise we wouldn’t fuckin do it!”

Jasper walked over to Waxer, and I was gettin pretty tense and jumpy, cuz Waxer’s this big black guy and Jasper’s a tall skinny white dude with the whole martial arts thing, and if they started fightin here, in this part of town, not only would they both get hurt bad, Waxer’d be the one the cops’d cart off. But Jasper didn’t start anythin, he just tipped his head to one side and goes, almost curious like, “How do you know he likes it?”

That made me pretty uncomfortable, cuz if there’s one thing you don’t like two guys discussin in the middle of a mall, it’s what your style’s like when you’re gettin fucked up the ass, but Waxer was givin Jasper this look like You some kinda idiot? And he’s like, “How the fuck do you usually know someone likes it? He’s all – ” Maybe he saw my face, or maybe he just remembered where we were, then, cuz he glanced around and kinda muttered, “Yo, not in the fuckin mall. Let’s go.”

So we walked out of the mall, me still feelin nervy and not particularly pleased with the way the talk was goin, Waxer still frownin and Jasper lookin totally normal, like he was havin an ordinary day instead’a teachin one of his friends’ little brother how not to get fucked when he didn’t want to.

We got back to the car and nobody’d said a word yet, the parkin lot was pretty empty of people for the moment and Jasper leans up against Waxer’s car and turns to look at him, goin “So?”

Waxer rolls his eyes and glares at him, and he’s like, “Like I said, how do you think? When you’re screwin your girl, she’s moanin, right? She’s lookin happy, she’s rubbin against you, she likes it. Same thing.”

Jasper lifts one eyebrow and goes, “He wasn’t moaning just now, and he definitely didn’t look happy. Waxer, he told you to take it out to the car, what did you think that meant?”

I didn’t like the way Jasper was gettin on Waxer’s case, I just wanted him to lay off so we could go home and forget about it, but I couldn’t help lookin up at Waxer, wonderin what he was gonna say to that. He was lookin down at the ground, arms and shoulders flexin, hands workin together the way they do when he’s uncomfortable about somethin. After a minute he looks up again and shrugs and he’s like, “I didn’t know it was important. Figured if it was, he woulda said somethin else. You know, told me to stop or somethin.”

Jasper’s face doesn’t even change, and he says, real calm, like he’s just curious, “Has he ever told anyone to stop?”

I’m practically squirmin by this time, wishin they’d remember I was here, but Waxer shakes his head, frownin at Jasper, and he’s like, “Nah, he always likes it, that’s what I’m sayin.”

I saw Jasper’s lips tighten and I got worried again, but he just pushed off the car and stood up with his hands in his pockets, and he goes, “I’m telling you this because I already went through it all with Dozen, and I still don’t think he’d tell you. He thought he owed you all anything you asked for, so just because he acts like he wants it and never says no doesn’t mean he’s telling the truth.” Then the fucker goes walkin off like he’s done his duty and he’s out of here, and I’m about ready to kill him, or kill myself, or somethin, cuz damn, did he have to put it that way? Like I been lyin to them the entire time?

Well, I wasn’t really interested in lookin at Waxer right then, so I couldn’t see the expression on his face, but his voice sounded funny when he was like, “That true?” And I can’t really say anythin, so I just lick my lips and nod a little.

There’s a fuckin long silence, then, and finally Waxer’s like, “Get in the car,” and there’s this thing in my stomach like a spiked bowlin ball gettin bigger every second, cuz it’s not that I think Waxer would hurt me, it’s just that I been five different kinds’a idiot, and I’m not sure which he’s gonna be more pissed about. Arright, and I’m also not sure what he’s gonna do about it. Cuz he is a nice guy, most of the time, but he got his nickname cuz he can wax the floor with anybody if he wants to, and I got a lot to get waxed for.

So I climbed in the car, and I sat there starin at the floor, and he went around to the driver’s seat and got in, but he didn’t start the car. He just sat there starin at me, and finally he’s like, “Dozen,” and I gotta look over at him.

Waxer does look pissed, he’s scowlin like a hurricane sky, but he looks upset, too, which is new. Don’t think I’ve ever seen him upset before, and I start to relax just a little bit, cuz maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

“You tellin me you been lettin us take you for a ride anytime we want, and you never wanted it?” he says, and I’m thinkin fuck, man!

I’m like, “No! I wanted it! Lots of the time, I really don’t mind, honestly, bro.”

He looks a little relieved, but then he looks at me for a while and starts scowlin worse, lookin angry at me this time. His voice gets quiet, almost like Jasper’s, but this is Waxer, and he’s like, “Fuck off, Dozen.”

And I’m like, “What?” like, did he just tell me to get out? What’d I do?

He tells me, “I’ll fuckin beat your head in with your own feet if you keep pullin that shit on us,” and by this time I’m totally out of the loop, like what the fuck is he talkin about, but he keeps goin, explainin for once. “I wouldn’t’a laid you so much except I thought you wanted it all the time. You’re not our fuckin personal whore, you’re Dozen, bro, and if you keep treatin yourself like that, without no respect, I’ll beat the shit outta you myself.”

…Just like Jasper, I’m thinkin, kinda dazed, and does everybody get this whole deal except me? Jasper better be right and this is just cuz I’m seventeen and confused a lot, like he said, cuz if this is just me bein stupid, I’m gonna have to kill myself. So now, I don’t wanna piss Waxer off even more at me, so pretty cautious and all, I’m like, “Arright, but yo, Waxer, what about you, bro? You get these days, like…” and I wave at his crotch, cuz I know from how he’s sitting that the damn thing hasn’t gone down yet. “It’s seriously okay, bro, I really don’t mind, I mean what else are you gonna do?”

He looks at me hard for a minute, more annoyed than really pissed now, and then he spreads a hand and shrugs, goin, “Take care of it myself, man. Or find someone who needs it. Like I did before you offered that first time, and I swear, Dozen, if I’d known you were only doin it cuz you thought you had some fuckin obligation, I woulda gotten Mojo or Jasper or somebody to talk some sense into you back then.” Shakin his head like one of us is an idiot, and I’m not sure which he means, he turns the car on and we start home.

I didn’t know what to say by this time, every time I opened my mouth somebody yelled at me for bein stupid so I was gettin a little irritated about it, and I was also confused as hell. As usual, right? But Waxer didn’t seem to have anything to say either, so we were pretty quiet as we got out of the car and went up the steps.

I figured it was over, I mean Waxer wouldn’t say anything about gettin yelled at by Jasper, right? So we’d just eat somethin and I’d hang around for a while before I left for my evening corner, and maybe he’d forget about it, or maybe he wouldn’t, but it seemed like he wasn’t gonna turn his back on me or anything, so it was all good.

I figured.

We walk down the hall, and everybody’s standin in the kitchen as usual, Greyson and B.F. are arguin about some English sport and nobody’s broken out the beer yet, so it’s gonna be a quiet evening. From Mike’s expression and the faint smell, Mojo musta just made him put out his cigarette, and Leaf and Total’ve probably already smoked a bowl or so back in their room, cuz they’re lookin pretty chill.

I lean in the doorway and grin around, goin, “Hey, bro’s,” and then Waxer comes up behind me and clamps a hand on my shoulder like he’s still more pissed than I thought, pushin me through the door and then stands there right behind me, holdin onto me like I might run away or somethin. Everybody’s lookin now, Mojo’s gone stiff and still, like Waxer better watch himself, B.F.’s lookin amused, Greyson’s stopped talkin and Mike’s got his eyebrows up like what the hell.

“Who’s fucked Dozen?” says Waxer, and I just about die. I mean, God damn, man, have you ever heard of tact? You just don’t say somethin like that in a roomful of guys who don’t talk about it much. Christ on a fuckin fork, bro.

Maybe this’d be a good place to mention exactly how this thing goes, most of the time. It’s not like my bro’s are fuckin me every night, and it’s not like all of em do it at all. Hell, most of em aren’t even gay, far’s I know. Leaf is, and Greyson, but B.F. says he’s straight, except for me I guess, and everybody else’s different shades of bi. Mojo’s never touched me, and Total only a couple’a times, but Mike and Greyson kinda come lookin for me maybe five times a month – not all the time, just when they’re really hard up, see? It’s not like they treat me like meat or anything. Waxer only grabs me on days like today, which don’t actually happen all the time, and as for Leaf, he always asks first, not often, but when he does I’m always happy about it, cuz that man is a fuckin insane lover. Serious scrape-my-brain-off-the-ceilin deal. B.F…. well, you know about B.F.

Anyway, after my bro says that I’m like, “Waxer, shut the hell up, man,” mutterin half over my shoulder, like please, dude, gimme a break, huh? But he doesn’t say a thing, and his expression musta stayed the same, cuz all the guys are lookin around with raised eyebrows now, some of em tryin to hide a grin, and my face is fuckin burnin up.

B.F. sniggers and spreads his hands and goes, “What, you want a show of hands or somethin?” His voice goes all deep, mockin Waxer, “‘Who’s fucked Dozen?’” and then he waves one hand around with this little squeaky girly voice, “‘Oh I have! Me, me, me!’”

I’m starin at the floor, cuz I don’t really like B.F. much, and he doesn’t care, and even though he hasn’t fucked me that often, I still don’t like thinkin about it.

“I wanna know,” goes Waxer in this snarlin pissed voice, “because he only let us do it because he thought he was our fuckin whore.”

I put one hand over my face, closin my eyes cuz I can’t look at any of em right now, and I say back to him really low, “I didn’t fuckin say that, Waxer…”

There’s a moment of quiet where I think I can feel their stares all burnin into me, and then Greyson speaks up in that voice that says he’s just tryin to lighten the mood, grinnin so everybody else’ll grin. He’s like, “Can’t be, we don’t pay him. Means he’s only a slut, and that’s okay, right?”

“Only if he wants to be,” says someone, and it’s gotta be Mojo cuz he sounds real quiet and serious.

“And that’s the problem,” snarls Waxer behind me. “He doesn’t, and he never bothered to tell us.”

I jerked out from underneath his hand, then, cuz I was gettin really fuckin sick and tired of bein blamed for doin what I thought I had to do, and I turned around and snarled back at him, goin, “Lay the fuck off me, Waxer!” Then I felt all the eyes on my back and I turned back a little slower, lookin around at them all and shruggin.

I’m like, “Look, it’s no big deal, seriously. It’s not like I’m upset about it or anythin, we… everythin’s fine, let’s just leave it, huh?”

Mike was lookin guilty, B.F had this little smirk on, Leaf’s face was twisted up like he was horrified, and Total looked confused. I couldn’t read Greyson’s face, but Mojo watched me for a minute before he looked over my shoulder and asked Waxer, “What was the point you were gonna make?”

Soundin a little calmer now, Waxer goes, “I was just gonna tell everybody; don’t fuck him unless he’s really horny.”

“I thought Dozen was always horny,” says Greyson with his eyebrows up. “Didn’t you guys?” He looks around and everybody nods or shrugs. “So what’s up?”

I’m thinkin he’s askin Waxer, and then I realize he’s lookin straight at me and he’s like, “Dozen?”

Fuck. What the hell am I sposed to say?

I get ready to grin and tell them what I’ve always told them, not out loud but the way I act, and then Waxer’s hand goes tight on my shoulder and he says real quiet, “Do it and I’ll fuckin kick your ass, boyo.”

So that’s not gonna work. Right, here goes the same old argument over again for the third fuckin time today. “Look,” I go, feelin kinda silly to be sayin the same thing again when it got me in trouble the first two times, but what else am I gonna do? I mean, Jasper and Waxer can argue and say whatever they want, but these guys have a say too, and I can’t go lettin Waxer tell them all what they’re gonna do. “You guys got me out of a fuckin alleyway. Saved my life, paid my rent and fed me til I could get my own, I fuckin owe you all. You’re my fuckin brothers. Anythin I can give you, I will. Look, it’s all about bein consentual, right? You’ve got my fuckin consent!”

Mike speaks up, which startles me, cuz he’s usually pretty quiet unless he’s drunk. He’s got this funny frown on with one eyebrow up, and he’s like, “Dozen, if I wanted to wear your fingers around my neck cuz they looked pretty, would you cut em off and hand em to me?”

Fuckin stupid thing to say. I roll my eyes and go, “Dude, so not the same thing.”

“Dude,” he comes right back at me, “so fuckin is. Dozen, martyrdom is stupid, and you’re tryin to be a fuckin martyr to gettin us laid. There are hookers all over this city who can do that, but you’re the only little brother we got in this house.”

I think I just stared at him for like five minutes. I mean, that’s basically what Jasper was tryin to say, but I didn’t expect anyone to say it here. Self-respect is great and all, but even if I think of them as my bro’s and they call me their little brother sometimes, I always kinda thought that the other thing came first. Even if they didn’t start out expectin it of me, after what Jasper said I realized I’d taught them to think about me like that, and they were gonna keep on expectin it. Not a slut or anythin nasty like that, that’s not what I mean, just… the brother who never says no.

Except Mike was sayin they weren’t.

“Fuckin A!” Leaf goes, and then they were all shruggin and noddin, Greyson was laughin at my expression, like, “Word!” and Mojo smiled at me, goin, “What he said.”

A hand landed on my head and shook it a little from behind me, and Waxer went, “See, that’s what I’m sayin.” He sounded way more chill and relaxed now, and I was startin to feel a little warm and fuzzy, you know what I’m sayin? And then I happened to glance across the kitchen, grinnin a little cuz everythin felt pretty good right then, and I caught B.F.’s expression.

He’s sittin there at the table next to Greyson, arms crossed over his chest, and he’s not lookin too thrilled about this whole conversation. B.F. rolls his eyes and he’s like, “Little brother fine, but long as he doesn’t mind, what the fuck does it matter? He’s no fuckin martyr, it’s not like we’re fuckin him with baseball bats or nothin.”

Greyson snorts and he’s like, “Well, the rest of us aren’t, anyway…” and Mike and Total roll their eyes and Leaf giggles.

Mojo’s lookin like he’s gonna make B.F. sorry for that comment just with his eyes, starin at him a little dangerous, and I’m gettin worried, cuz I don’t want them to be fightin over anythin to do with me. I can hear Waxer snarlin behind me, but Mojo gets there first, like, “B.F, if he doesn’t want it, it doesn’t matter if he’s pretendin to or not, we don’t fuckin treat him like that. Find yourself some chick with nice tits and leave Dozen alone.”

Leanin forward over the table, B.F. glares at him with his big hands diggin against the tabletop and goes, really soundin pissed now, “Fuck off, Mojo! The little prick was right, he owes us! And I haven’t fuckin been paid back yet!”

My arms were crossed over my chest, now, and my stomach’d gone all cold again. Everybody else was lookin pretty disgusted with B.F, which was a good thing, but I couldn’t figure out if he was right and I should just find out what he wanted, get it over with, or shut up and let Mojo and Waxer get him off my case. I didn’t really wanna look at him, but I couldn’t take my eyes off his face, though it was more just a watchful look than a glare or somethin that’d get him more pissed off at me.

Waxer broke in then, goin, “The fuck you talkin about?” and Mojo right under him sayin, “You weren’t even with us when we saved his ass that first time, B.F; what’re you thinkin he owes you?”

B.F. stood up real fast, and I think I kinda flinched backwards, cuz Waxer grabbed my shoulders and I heard him growl under his breath, starin at B.F. as the kitchen chair went over backwards and B.F. slammed his hands on the table.

“I’m thinkin,” he goes, hissin low and really nasty, “of that one time I found him on the other fuckin side of town in the middle of a buncha Crashers, and they were gettin ready to fuck him up real bad, and I got him outta there when the resta you pansies woulda been just as dead as him. That’s what I’m thinkin of, and that’s what he owes me big for.”

Everybody’s starin at B.F. but me, and I’m feelin sick again, cuz I remember that now, and I didn’t know he was expectin more for that. Course, knowin B.F, he probably wants me to be thankin him for the rest of my life. He did save my life, and save me a buncha pain too, cuz Crashers are serious business when they’re worked up like that, but it’s not like he was gentlemanly about it or anythin…

Greyson’s frownin at B.F. and goes, “When the fuck was this? Don’t remember anythin like that.”

B.F.’s like, “Yeah, well, I didn’t need to walk around boastin about it, did I?” and I could see the expression on his face go to the sneer he’s always got just before he starts in on what a pansy I am, and before he got any farther I couldn’t take it anymore.

I looked up and I was like, low but loud enough to be heard, “Bout a year ago. And he probably did save my life. But – I already paid you back for that, bro. I know you gotta remember that.”

B.F.’s glarin at me, but he hasn’t said anythin yet, he’s just takin a deep breath to tell me why I owe him so much I’ll never pay it all back, and someone else gets in there first. I look around and it’s Leaf who’s got this really quiet, thoughtful look on his face, and he’s like, “I remember that. You both came back from someplace and you were lookin pretty smug, and Dozen was lookin wiped out and not so good. He looked like that for about a week, and he was walkin sorta stiff, too. I thought he had one of those achy muscle colds.”

Everybody went quiet for a minute, lookin at me, and I could feel all of em writin up a big fuckin equasion in their heads like this: Dozen walkin stiff = Dozen gettin fucked into the floor all day as well as all night. Obviously Mojo, at least, had an extra side to his equasion right after that, that went = fuckin kill B.F. His eyes went all narrow the way they do when he’s pissed off enough to use some of that Jet Li stuff on someone, and everybody better stay outta his way.

Mojo was like, in that real quiet voice that always gives me the creeps, “A week, B.F? A fuckin week, for doin exactly what any of us woulda done because he’s our fuckin brother?”

B.F. sneers at him, which isn’t smart when he’s that pissed, and he’s like, “Sure, except none’a you coulda done it cause there was forty’a them and one’a me! And I got him out of it fuckin untouched and alive!”

Mojo’s tryin to cool off, holdin himself down, and he’s like, “And it was a year ago anyway. You got a week of what you wanted, B.F. That’s more than anyone else woulda even asked for, he didn’t owe it to you then but he gave it to you, so just leave it now.”

For a sec there he’s just lockin stares with B.F, both of them lookin pretty grim about it, and then B.F. looks at me and his face twists into somethin darker, and he’s like, “Fucked if I will,” and moves fast towards me. Waxer shoves me outta the way and all his muscles flex for the fight, and then B.F. ducks around him – and outta the kitchen. Heavy footsteps stompin down the hall and up the stairs, and then a door slammin up there.

Tension’s still so thick in the air I can’t move, just waitin for B.F. to come back with a knife or another argument and everythin to fall apart, but then it sags and goes loose as Mojo sighs and leans against the counter. He goes, “Total, you talk to him. See if you can get him off Dozen. Until we’re sure he’s dropped it,” Mojo looks around the room at everybody, who’s watchin him cuz we all listen to Mojo, “don’t leave Dozen alone.”

That startles me, and I’m about to say somethin about how they don’t have to bother with that, they all got stuff to do, and shit, it’s not like he’s gonna kill me or anythin, even if he does get me alone, so I’ll be fine – but this time I stop to think about it before openin my mouth. They’d protect me from anybody outside without me even thinkin about it, because they’re my bro’s and that’s what they do. If B.F.’s really as pissed off as it seems like, and they’re plannin to protect me from him too, I’d have to totally ignore everythin Jasper and everybody’s been tellin me to tell them not to. I’d be treatin myself like shit again, tryin to keep them from fightin over somethin as small as me. Cuz, for them, I’m not small, and they’re willin to defend me against anyone, includin another bro.

Really somethin to figure out all at once, right? So I can’t really talk for a little while, and Total nods at Mojo and walks out after B.F, and everybody else settles down a little.

Waxer grabs my shoulder and gives it a quick shake, and he’s like, “I got your back tonight, right?” Cuz one of my bro’s usually comes out to the corner with me to hang in the background in case something bad goes down, so I nod and he walks out, prolly to go deal with that damn hard-on if it isn’t gone now. Goddamn, must be killin him by this time, and I feel like I owe him somethin for bein so good about all this, but… what everybody’s sayin is that’s not what I owe him. And sex isn’t really a good way to pay somebody a debt anyway, not when it’s basically a one-time thing because he needed it. So I don’t go after him, and I don’t say anythin, and when I look back at the other guys, Mike’s grinnin at me and he’s like, “That’s it, bro. Just let him go. You don’t owe any of us a thing more than we owe each other, arright?”

I nod a little slow, watchin his face, and he sighs and shakes his head at me like damn but I’m slow, which I guess I am about all this. Then Greyson pulls out a deck of cards and smirks around at all of us, and everybody groans, and just like that, nobody’s thinkin about me anymore, not about what a pussy I am, not about if I owe them and how I should pay it. I know they don’t even think I’m more trouble than I’m worth; I’m just the little brother, and that’s all they think about it.

So the five of us sit around the kitchen table and play Greyson’s favorite cardgame, Egyptian Rat-tails or somethin, and everybody argues about whether to slap royals or not, and if you can change rules in the middle of a game, and I get to chill and hang easy with my bro’s for like an hour before I have to go. And when I get back in the morning, I know Tolkien’s book’ll be waitin for me in my room.

Christ, how’d I get so lucky?